i don’t condone drunk driving but…

this shit is funny.

Jury Duty

very interesting! i was summoned for jury duty this week. updates to come!

this is why neil patrick harris is amazing…

for those of you who saw the tony awards, you would probably agree that neil patrick harris is probably one of the best things to have happened to the tony awards.  he’s so witty;  his delivery was hilarious and reminded me so much of his character barney stinson on how i met your mother.

ps – so much for ever seeing billy elliot.  after all their awards, it will either be sold out or completely inaffordable for me.

talking about my feelings

wowwwww… i’m on a roll!  i haven’t written in months and already i have had a few blog posts in the past 24 hours or so.  anyway, so tonight i went back and read comments that people had left a long time ago, to which i never replied.  i guess i don’t have good blog etiquette.  do i reply?  do i not reply?  it took me long enough, but i finally decided to reply.

anyway, i’ve resolved that one of the best uses of this blog, other than to get back into writing and to share the mundane and not so mundane parts of my life with the cyberworld, was to be productive and talk about my dad’s sickness/illness/however you would call it.  …soooo… here it goes.

i’m scared.  i’m genuinely scared about everything.  it’s hard for me to express these feelings because… well, i feel like a lot of my feelings are baseless.  i feel like guilty or… something because i feel like my feelings are grounded in selfish feelings in behaviors.  like, who is going to be there for me.  what’s going to happen to me if and when he passes.  i know our parents die at some point in our lives, and most of us hope for it to be when we’re much older, but i want my dad to be around.  i want him giving me away at my wedding.  i want him there at the birth of my children… to know his grandchildren.

another part of me feels bad for living my life here in nyc.  if i were the good daughter, wouldn’t i move closer to home?  to be around and available more?  after all that he’s done and sacrificed so i could have a good life and great education?  shouldn’t i be around?

another part of me is scared to just even talk to him.  to ask questions on how he’s doing.  so many times i have to MAKE myself call, just because i know it’s something i should do and what he wants.  i have to force conversation and be cheery, be strong.  my dad is not an easy conversationalist, and it is even more difficult to call when every phone conversation is about a doctor’s appointment and test and whatnot.

and it hurts.  it hurts to hear him in pain.  not only in pain physically, but mentally and emotionally.  he’s worn out.  he’s tired.  he hates the doctors.  he hates the appointments.  it’s wearing on him and it sounds like he wants to give up… but is struggling not to… for all of our sakes.  and it hurts me to hear him hurt.

our family dynamic is weird.  my parents came over here from the philippines to give their future family a better life.  my dad worked a lot of hours, sacrificed a lot of things, for his family.  while we didn’t exactly understand or agree with his conventions, it was always for the family.  he rarely asked anything for himself.  (this includes my mom as well.)  growing up, i somehow understood that.  i may not have been able to acknowledge that consciously, but i understood it.  i worked hard to please my parents.  to give them what they expected of their child because of what they put into their children.  it’s the asian family respect dynamic.  it’s so strong.

i still carry that weight to this day.  i may not have the financial success (i still have to ask for money every now and then), but i try to please them.  to live out the american dream they envisioned over 30+ years ago when they came here.  since i have always tried to please them, this cancer has just seemed even more cancerous.  denying me the dreams i had for them.

and what sickens me is that i have come up with all these “back up” scenarios.  it repulses me to admit it.  for example, who is going to give me away?  i always imagined it would be my dad – what daughter hasn’t?  well, the next best option, i thought of one day, is my brother.  then it hit me:  why am i thinking about this?  i’m too scared to admit this to my friends or family.

then i think of all the regrets.  all the wounds i wouldn’t let heal.  the time i spent wasting in resentment over some juvenile and immature thing, i’m sure.  if i only knew then, what i knew now.  isn’t that what everyone says?  if i knew that i would have this specific, finite time with my dad….

anyway, so… that’s my first post about that.  hopefully the next one will be categorically different and, at least, more cheerful (in a genuine way).

(ps – what prompted this post is that my dad is recovering from heart surgery he had yesterday.  he has an afibrilated heart, along with prostate cancer.)

business writing is the death of whatever writing skills i had.

as much as i love my job and how dynamic it is, my biggest complaint (minus the long hours) is the fact that whatever writing skills i had is no longer that great.  i used to have time to read and write poems.  i could spend countless hours palying with prose and verses.  my biggest asset in communication, i think, is being able to express my feelings and thoughts, as long as they came from the heart.  i do make the mistake, sometimes, of voicing those when they aren’t necessarily warranted nor wanted, however, it’s also been from the heart.  rhetoric has never been my strong suit.  whatever confidence i had in it, i now somewhat lack.  my written communication is reports has been hackneyed at best.  the more formal and to the point my professional communication has become has seduced whatever is left in me.  i think it’s time to get back into that shift.  after all, wasn’t that a new year’s resolution of mine?  get back to a craft.  i’ve always been drawn to the arts.  i love beautiful, exquisite writing.  it’s so exciting.  i love music.  i have long ago given up on my music abilities.  i used to play piano and clarinet very well, however, my lack of ambition (aka practicing) eventually lead me to go from a favorite amongst my teachers to someone they gave up on.  i also really love and miss painting and charcoaling.  i could spend hours sketching.  i don’t do that anymore and it makes me sad.  ok well, i guess if i want to get back into it, i should begin practicing again.  off to the writing notebooks, sketch notebooks, etc.

stop! hammertime!

you have to watch this video.  i totally wish i was there… better yet, i wish i danced in it.  enjoy!

please donate for a good cause.

to anyone out there,

please read below my follow-up letter to friends and family concerning a 5-mile run i am doing to support the American Cancer Society for my dad, who is currently battling prostate cancer.  i know there is a lot a love in this world and i can’t wait to experience it through the power of the internet.

“Hi All,
I know with summer approaching (yay summer Fridays, boo the crappy weather!), we are all busy as we’re preparing for BBQs, beaches, vacations, etc. but I wanted to reach out again about this cause.  I hope you’ll take a moment to visit my fundriaising Web site and contribute today to the fight against cancer. On June 21st – Father’s Day – I am participating in a 5 mile run in Central Park called Run For Dad, which celebrates the survivors of Prostate Cancer and helps enable the spirit of those still fighting it.  Please join me and The American Cancer Society to fund groundbreaking cancer research, provide up-to-date cancer information and education, advocate for public health policies that benefit the community, and offer free services that improve the quality of life for patients and their families.

I want to thank those who have already donated.  I’m already at 72% of my goal!  I am so amazed and Blessed by the support and love I have received in the past weeks and I can’t wait to see where life takes me next.  Please click on the link below and help make a difference in the fight against cancer.”

please click this link to donate: http://tinyurl.com/r443km

**update: my dad’s angioplasty went well.  please pray that he recovers quickly and well.  thanks!

it’s been a long, long time

sorry.  i realize it has been months since i last wrote.  i have something to share though!   so i work in the digital media advertising industry, and a co-worker came across this video on gawker.  i don’t think it could be more sad or true.

it’s been a while…

wow. ok. so sorry.  i kind of forgot about this.  i got preoccupied with reading other blogs and doing other things.  it also helps that i spend a significant of time NOT online now because a) i gave up facebook for lent and 2) i now have a blackberry so i just check my email on there.  anyway, so time has definitely passed since i last udpated.  i guess there isn’t too much of a difference of what has happened.  some significant, if you could call it that, things that happened are:

- a and i got into our very first fight.  i realized i must be more tactful when i’m being honest.  i also learned how incredibly insecure h and n have left me when those friendships dissolved.

- we painted our main living space blue and hung up a ginormous picture of the eiffel tower. (not big news, i know.  but i’m excited to have any decor in that room, and it looks so comfy and inviting now.)

- i have resolved to this odd sense of self at work.  i do my job and i try to do it well.  i keep telling myself that i work for the Lord and not for me or anyone.  yet, i feel completely severed in some ways from what’s going on and i realize that the only sense of isolation i am feeling is one that i have thrust upon myself, which, oddly enough, only makes me distance myself even more and convince myself more how “alone” i am.

- i realize that i go through these “depressive” moments in my life when i am not doing either of the following: a) working out and/or b) going to church and/or 3) volunteering.  so i really need to jump on this bandwagon.

- i really need to do my taxes – still haven’t done them  yet.

- i’m pretending i have money and been spending it on clothing i do not need but want and taxis to get me from point a to point b instead of taking the subway and yea… i’m definitely not a baller.

- jamie is back from paris. hooray. i heart her.

- i’ve actually gone on a date!  a legit date!  it went well.  we’re complete opposites though, but i’m fine because at the very least i’ll have gained a friend.

- i’ve had lots of boys in my life lately that i have crushes on!  about time!

i don’t know what else.  i will try and make a point of blogging more often, although my life isn’t exceptionally interesting, nor are my comments witty, but it’s kind of nice to have something out there and being able to get things off your chest, irregardless if people read about it and/or like it, right?

ok, that is all for now.  signing off.

feelings

i’m having issues.

i’m feeling guilty about my stay with my parents.  i mean, i’m so glad with the time i was able to spend with them, especially meeting some of their friends, my walks with my mom, playing card games, watching movies, etc.  but then i also worked a lot and read a lot by myself in my room (”holing myself up,” if you will), regressed to acting kind of like a brat and yelling at my parents whenever i was annoyed, etc.  i was also scared to spend a lot of time around my dad because “it” scares me.  i was denying myself thinking about it too much or getting too attached, which is, like, the worst possible thing i could have done to my dad.  i feel completely selfish about it, especially in his time of need.  my mom would have to beg me to talk to him more and i didn’t know how i could.  ugh.

i cried at the start of my flight back to nyc.  i’m a horrible daughter, but i tried.  i really did.  i owe him and my parents more than that, though, and i have a feeling that i will never forgive myself for this.  i hope they know i really do love them.